exterminate revive
2011 Year In Review ©  
This year is going to go down in the books for being a long ride around the sun; 365.2425 days give or take 17 seconds and a little axial wobble. Lets just round it down to 365 days and count ourselves lucky it’s almost over.

A number of famous people were born in 2011, but its hard to tell which is which since all they’ve done is gurgle and spit up so far, so lets instead focus on lucky few who died this year.

Also, it was a remarkable since there was lots of weather this year, and most of it outside. In fact if you go out right now you can probably catch a glimpse of the last of it. First take precautions. Please feel the doorknob to see if it burns your hand, make sure the breeze does not sound like a freight train, and check to see if there is any water gushing in around the door frame. If it’s all clear, rush right out there before the next aftershock buries you alive.

The weather changes were dramatic. Take for example that it got warmer and cooler in these mysterious 24-hour cycles. Not only that but at about the same frequency the language kept changing from “global warming” to “climate change”, forcing the deniers to admit that climate exists and that it can change. They refused however to give up on the scandal dubbed “Climate gate” where emails titled “baby it’s cold outside” were clearly secret code amongst climate scientists for “lets get all hot and bothered”.

No person made the news as much a people made the news. In fact when everyone got the tweet to jump up and down at the same time in North America the resulting wave was so big that the Japanese had to rethink their energy policy.

A lot of tyrants had to finally answer to their populace this year, and they all answered a resounding “No!” and then hired junior league teams to go out and work on their batting practice.

The clarion call of the economy this year was “Jobs, jobs, jobs”, and then as if in answer to a deal made with the devil, the one most prolific employer in these dire times, Jobs, dies.

US politics continued to become so polarized that it became bipolar and had to start borrowing lithium from Catherine Zeta Jones.

The year was not all bad of course. We realized that you can become somebody if you are a nobody. More so, we discovered you can become a nobody and still be somebody.
If nothing else, the Kardasians went from nobody to nothing of substance and it was sure something. Speaking of other somethings that amounted to nothing good.

In January,
If man is like a blizzard since you never know when it's coming, how many inches you're getting, or how long it will last, then the Ron Jeremy of storms showed up in early 2011. It was so bad in Philly that it cost 6 million dollars for cleanup, which Mayor Nutter decided to pay for by closing all 54 libraries until murder rate in the inner city gets at least as high as the illiteracy rate.

The unemployment rate reaches a staggering 9%, hiding the worse truth that when adjusted for those who have quit looking and started drinking, drunken staggering reaches a staggering 25%.

We finally learned the recipe for regime change. Here's the multiple choice:
a) Economic sanctions and denial of military and humanitarian aid
b) Pull a big lie about WMD out of your Colin as rationale for invasion
c) Have your unlicensed fruit stand confiscated and set yourself on fire.
The answer clearly c), within the month, the Tunisian president and his fruit czar fled to Saudi Arabia, and over the next couple of months a tumultuous cry of anguish sprang up from the masses in Egypt, Libya, Algeria, Yemen, Jordan, Bahrain, Syria and on the set of the Oprah show where she announced that it's her last season and there’s no more free stuff.

Gaddafi, beloved by his people, immediately takes to the airwaves to threaten them and starts mapping out all the really good holes in the ground on his escape route. Within the week he pledges to check himself into Arab-rehab, as Al Jazeera cancels their most profitable show 2 Mullahs, later to replace the role of the fundamentalist chant writer Momo with the much more stable Charlie Sheen. Muammar hits the road in the US with his torpedo of truth tour where be performs a two hour Q&A with his Amazonian Guardesses, every question to which he replies “My peeple, deh loove me. Winneing.” The climax of the show is dubbed “tigers blood” in which he releases ferocious man-eaters into the audience. Plans change as he is easily talked out of this idea by naked models from PETA, so instead he releases a wild Asian “Tiger Mom” into the audience to berate and belittle them, calling them garbage and threatening no birthday parties for 4 years unless they come up with more respectful questions.

Elizabeth Edwards dies of cancer and leaves her fortune and the care of their children to the family dog “Trouble”, leaving no mention at all of her husband John Edwards or their cat “Pussyman”.

Movie critics pan Country Strong. Tobey Maguire reconsiders his role as producer after receiving a movie review from Roger Ebert that was simply two words, “Country Stench”, then signs on to the retrenched Spider Man installment entitled “Spider Man 4 give or take a couple.”

On course in February

Amidst overwhelming Arabian springiness, Egypt’s president Hosni Mubarak pledges to sprightly step down as soon as the next election, then outlaws elections. Obama “demands Egypt present a path to democracy” and in a hawkish move, threatens to hold his breath until they do. Mubarak ultimately resigns and, in a newfound spirit of peace and freedom, hands control over to the military who say they will step down after the next moon landing, and proceed to resume beating protesters. Obama holds his breath again however as a 30 foot put lips out, on his 16th golf game year to date.

Over in Libya, Al Qaeda steal police uniforms and attack peaceful protesters in order to seed false resentment of Gaddafi,.. according to sources close to Gaddafi.

Casey's Anthony's attorney files a number of motions regarding aspects they would like kept from the jury, including Casey’s mother’s call to 911 to report that her granddaughter is missing and the "trunk of her damn car smells terrible" because she found the entire JonBenet Ramsey family living in it.

March stinks too as

A no fly zone is imposed in Libya. Smelly camels nationwide rejoice.

The fifth most powerful earthquake ever hits off Japan. The beef isn't so much the Shaking, but the surf breaking and the subsequent laking from tsunami waves. Its no surprise the word “tsunami” comes from Japan and translates to “harbor.. wave.. goodbye”. Since the reactor core coolant is run from an ice truck plugged into a two-prong extension cord, instead of powered directly from the power plant (duh!), the reactors overheat and start to melt down. As the core melts down straight through the earth they rename it from the “China syndrome” which geographically makes no sense, to the “Galapagos syndrome” and celebrate by illegally fishing already cooked tortoise soup. The Japanese government assesses the danger zone from radiation and moves rapidly to relocate to a safe distance the 50th anniversary of Pearl Harbor mahjong set from the Takahashi house across the street.

Meanwhile, top Al Qaeda leaders officially sanction the Arab uprisings. “We welcome freedom. We are finally going to be free to enforce strict Sharia law. No more drinking and driving. No more drinking. No more driving. OK lets be fair; no more driving for women only. Speaking of which we can marry as many as we want and are finally free to hit them when they overcook the mutton. We are free to cane the gamblers, mutilate the thieves, stone to death the adulterers and execute the homos. In short, we relieved to finally gain freedom from these dictators and tyrants.”

US sends a cruise missile into Gaddafi’s bedroom, denying leader himself was target, thus finally killing the Mad-dog-of-the-middle-east, Lockerbie, his pet Scottie. Gaddafi quickly changes name to Khaddafi, then later Qhaddafi to throw intelligence off his trail.

April fools us again as

Obama releases his birth certificate to shut up the Birthers. Donald Trump responds by releasing his birth certificate on a windy day in front of Trump Towers exhibiting that his hair hasn’t really changed that much.

Wind blew away all other headlines as record number of tornadoes strike in early April. Not to be outdone a new new record is set two weeks later with a whopping 350 tornadoes in 21 states including the most damaging of all time that blasts Tuskaloosa. The single building left standing is the Pachyderm Museum where the only damage report indicates that the tusk a loosa, a much loosa.

US government almost shuts down again for lack of money after Federal Reserve funds become frozen in the accounts of a massive online gambling bust. They decide to print more money but can’t afford the ink, so they vote instead to have Ron Paul’s legs broken if he talks about auditing the Federal Reserve again.

The most pivotal moment in the UK since George Michael wrote a hit Christmas song about a trip to the bathroom happens as Prince Wills and Katie wed in a grand ceremony to which Obama was not invited, but King of Cambodia Norodom Sihamoni was but said he couldn’t make it because it was his weekend to do the dishes. Kate Middleton was disappointed to find upon arriving home that her official wedding video, a montage from 63 different cameramen, were all close-ups of Pippa’s bottom.

End of an era for Proctor & Gamble who sells its last food brand Pringles for 2.35 Billion to the Shanghai Tennis Ball Factory.

Trend setting Southwest Airlines adds new ejector seat moon roof feature to its economy class cabin. It is generally not well received.

May was way too long and hard as

A promiscuous political hot dog tweets a picture of a “package of Weiner’s”, while having a bun in the oven at home. His bun coincidentally on an overseas mission in Rome with her own personal private adultery consultant, Hillary Hotrod Clinton, who offered her the politically wizened words “Relish the wiener in public. Roast the dick at home.”

The China opens more trade relations with the USA. They trade Osama bin Laden for a stealth helicopter.

French president Sarkozy quietly celebrates when his political opposition DSK gets arrested for sexually assaulting a maid in New York hotel room. The maid’s credibility is later brought into question as she lies about entering a hotel room next door immediately before and after the incident registered to one Charlie Sheen. Conspiracy theorists also point to the fact that at the time of the incident the hotels chief of security was watching football with host Sarkozy while simultaneously dining on a sushi lunch arranged on a naked Carla Bruni.

To complete the trifecta, Arnold “Der Schwartz” barely skates past his silver anniversary before the LA Times broke the story that his wife Maria Shriver would be cast against him as the next Terminator in "T-5 - Rise of the Legal Fees". The body builder’s great strength was no match for the mystical lure of the lumpy charwoman. After hiding the love child for years, Maria became suspicious when the staff indicated how much Arnold and the child looked like twins, and filed for divorce upon discovering her worst fears, that it was actually Danny Devito.

The largest wildfire in Arizona history proves once again it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire, but only one idiot with a match to spin out another season of The Bachelor. Meanwhile a massive Mississippi flood breaks 1927 record levels. Arizona, desperate, trades a second round draft pick for the Mississippi river and concussion prone Kevin Kolb.

The world ended May 21st. Luckily an exact duplicate named "the Rapture" started up right away, the only difference in this reality being that some shmuck named Harold Camping was predictably "flabbergasted".

May 25th celebrates World Planking Day, the fad consisting of lying face down stiff with hands at side in an unusual or incongruous location. Thankfully, as many fall to their death, wiser heads replace that trend with Owling, where all the remaining wiser fools fall to their death.

June gets defensive as

Former presidential hopeful John Edwards is indicted on felony charges that he used one million in campaign donations for his secret lover Rielle Hunter and their alleged love child that turns out to be Danny Devito.

Jobless rate rises to 9.1%, even taking into consideration all the unemployed killed by more tornadoes this month. Missouri river floods Iowa and is renamed Lake Michigan. In Arizona, two wild fires meet on match.com and go on a 600 miles long bender. Thousands sick with e-coli across Europe, good news for those who need another excuse not to eat German sprouts.

Hoping things run smoother in July

There is a terrible train wreck that kills one; the Winehouse train fueled on booze and cocaine. Her family brilliantly concludes that her death is from an overdose of sobriety. The autopsy reveals her blood alcohol content however to be the same as the formaldehyde soaked brain, Abe Normal, from Young Frankenstein.

It’s the second hottest summer ever recorded in the USA, except in Arizona where it’s the second hottest summer ever recorded on Mercury.

Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World closes shop after allegations that they were texting while driving.

Casey Anthony was found not guilty of chloroforming and duct taping her kid’s mouth shut and leaving her to die in her car trunk then dumping her body in a trash bag in the woods so she could go out partying. Successfully using the “I’m such a liar you can't use anything I've ever said as evidence” defense, she was found guilty of being a "Liar, liar". This was followed by a lenient but well attended sentence of her removing her pants and setting them on fire. In related news, the Department of Fish and Game has extended the hunting season on Casey through the winter.

European bankers meet to discuss Greek debt problem. Apparently compound interest on a unpaid gambling debt between Plato and Socrates on the true nature of justice, Socrates betting that that injustice is more than doing wrong, it is also failure to do right, versus Plato’s position that one can do nothing but lie and go out partying and still get away with murder, has now become larger than the total GDP of the European union and all the precious metals from the holdings of the German industrialist Auric Goldfinger.

The movie Cowboys and Aliens is released dramatizing a rousing fight about rights of troopers to pull someone over and arrest them if they reasonably suspect they are three headed green slimy creature with no registration card. The movie comes to a fast and furious conclusion as all the trooper's weapons are confiscated and donated to Mexican drug cartels.

August douses our spirits as

This month brings the arrival of that interminable weather again, this time in the form of hurricane Irene. Its not so much the wind as the rain that causes the problem, forcing insurer AIG to reassess that everything east of Denver is now considered in the flood plain and from an insurance perspective, exhibits no trace of hurricane wind damage. All homes now join their respective mortgages as being underwater.

The American Board of General Dentistry lowers the US credit rating from AAA, to “open wide and say AA”. Upon peering inside, the decay is considered advanced.

As the GOP race heats up it is discovered that Michelle Bachmann is the first person on record to have caught her mental retardation from a vaccine. She confuses John Wayne Gacy with John Wayne, and shows up at an Iowa western themed political rally in a bloody clown suit. The experimental vaccine potency too low, she eventually falls ill with the incurable Gay Disease.

September came like a foul wind as

Occupy Wall Street (OWS), a bowel movement that begins in Zuccotti Park NYC, some compare to the next Arab Spring, but given the sanitary conditions in the camp smell more like the Urine Spring, gives birth to a new political force - the Pee Party. Dubbing themselves the 99% since only 1% could agree why they were there, it became quite a social scene spawning the OWS pickup lines, “You are so beautiful, you make me forget that I don’t remember what I’m doing here”. Others memorable include “Should we picket your daddy’s office or mine”, “Let me give according to my ability, to you according to your needs” and “The red in your eyes from that pepper spray matches your raging infection”.

The government, facing a looming shutdown, sends Ron Paul a dead fish. Unemployment stays at a stubborn 9.1%, the White House issuing a statement that it saved or created or destroyed over 1 million jobs and expects this success or failure to last well into 2012 or until the end of the Mayan calendar when 5 billion jobs will be lost.

Saudi Arabia, in a huge victory for women, gives them the right to vote however reaffirms that it is illegal for them to drive, then moves all voting booths to the center of the sprawling Rub' Al Khali desert.

Obama sporting the job approval rating of Ivan the Terrible, yet personal approval rating more like Kermit the Frog, declares a federal emergency and pronounces his American Jobs Act which would create jobs by buying ink and printing 447 Billion dollars. FEMA responds by running out of money and canceling all future federal emergencies.

October is bloody awful as

We finally learn the real rational behind Prince Charles’ yearning to be Camilla’s feminine hygiene product, when he announces to the world that he is the offspring of Dracula, aka Vlad the Impaler. Vlad the Impaler Tampon Corp. sues for copyright infringement.

Two women come forward. Herman Cain takes two steps back and denies taking two steps back.

Steve Jobs passes away, but at the last moment downloads his consciousness into Apple’s new AI program Siri. People keep asking Siri “Where do I bury the body?” His survivors have no choice but to bury Steve Jobs in a swamp.

The trees foolishly thinking they still need their leaves for photosynthesis, are overloaded by 30 inches of wet snow but as huge electricity outages leave us all with no heat they selflessly donate themselves to our backyard wood piles. At that same moment, a hundred Jet Blue passengers are taken hostage by a roving gang of clogged toilets.

Looking like the world would end again, the human race breaths a collective sigh of relief when it turns out simply to be the end of Harold Camping’s radio ministry. The world in the last quarter is saved from some evil Dolphins by the 'return of the Savior' in one Tim Tebow who evades the blitz and runs the big blue ball in himself for the victory.

Qaddafi is caught and killed. Video of his dead body shot in the head and dragged through the street is analyzed for hours by teams of CIA specialists who hypothesize that he is dead, shot in the head and being dragged through the streets.

November lobs some bombs at us as

Philadelphia Eagles once named the “dream team” in August turns by now to have been a bad dream induced by too much light beer and cheese steaks wit wiz. Andy Reid puts Michael Vick back in the dog fighting business. Vick is defeated in the first round by an irritable Pekingese named Scrunchy.

Angry Birds hits its 500 millionth download in no small part due to the Mossad plot to distribute them in the West Bank in hopes the Palestinians find more joy in shooting at pickle green pigs than at kosher pigs.

Ginger White claims a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. Cain denies the affair but does admit to paying her a salary for years of "quantitative research on keeping her damn mouth shut".

The Occu Poo Party in Zucotto Park while protesting TARP, have all their tarps removed.

The Greek PM Papandreou calls for referendum on whether they should pay off their gambling debts to Europe. He steps down instead when former Penn State trainer of tight ends, Jerry Sandusky, agrees to bail them out and become an honorary Greek.

December high kicks us as

The Radio city Rockettes all come forward in dressed as candy Cains in perfect synchronization with allegations about presidential hopeful Herman in economically poignant dance review entitled “You want a job, white Christmas?”. Cain suspends his campaign. Denies affair with Silvio Berlusconi, but does admit lending him 20 million euros for pizza money and not even getting back the change. Italian PM steps down amidst scandal. Cain does admit he was 873 women away from completing his 999 plan.

GOP moderates, desperate to save Romney's campaign, unearth using facial recognition software evidence that Newt Gingrich appeared and gained notoriety on Britain's Got Talent in 2009 dressed as a Scottish woman named Susan Boyle.  Gingrich's campaign concedes that he is in fact Susan Boyle, but brilliantly spins the national dialogue back onto Romney's religion by showing evidence that although Newt may have had three different wives, that he, Susan, is actually one of Romney's three current wives, positioning Gingrich to squeak out the win in the Iowa caucuses by tying up the so far undecided trans gender demographic.

One can argue that next year can't possibly be as bad since the Mayans are only giving us to Dec 21st, 2012 until the end of the world, not that we could get into any more trouble in that short a time from minor issues like...

The Iranian children have decided they are bored with last years Christmas toy Family Feud, have set up some new board games Battleship, Risk and Aggravation in the Straight of Hormuz. The covetous American children add to their Christmas list; Operation, Trouble, Ker-plunk and Sorry.

Kim Jong Il dies, but manages to pass his collection of silly hats and elevator shoes to his unfit son Un. Un is thought to be Un lovable, Un friendly and Un stable. He apparently suffers from hypertension and like to Unwind by fishing in the Yellow sea with ballistic missiles.

Oh stop blubbering, pop some bubbly, play the Buble and have a Lubly New Year.

Scott Rowell
liveoneliner@runbox.com


 
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