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2011 Year In Review ©
This year is going to go down in the books for being a long ride around
the sun; 365.2425 days give or take 17 seconds and a little axial
wobble. Lets just round it down to 365 days and count ourselves lucky
it’s almost over.
A number of famous people were born in 2011, but its hard to tell which
is which since all they’ve done is gurgle and spit up so far, so lets
instead focus on lucky few who died this year.
Also, it was a remarkable since there was lots of weather this year, and
most of it outside. In fact if you go out right now you can probably
catch a glimpse of the last of it. First take precautions. Please feel
the doorknob to see if it burns your hand, make sure the breeze does not
sound like a freight train, and check to see if there is any water
gushing in around the door frame. If it’s all clear, rush right out
there before the next aftershock buries you alive.
The weather changes were dramatic. Take for example that it got warmer
and cooler in these mysterious 24-hour cycles. Not only that but at
about the same frequency the language kept changing from “global
warming” to “climate change”, forcing the deniers to admit that climate
exists and that it can change. They refused however to give up on the
scandal dubbed “Climate gate” where emails titled “baby it’s cold
outside” were clearly secret code amongst climate scientists for “lets
get all hot and bothered”.
No person made the news as much a people made the news. In fact when
everyone got the tweet to jump up and down at the same time in North
America the resulting wave was so big that the Japanese had to rethink
their energy policy.
A lot of tyrants had to finally answer to their populace this year, and
they all answered a resounding “No!” and then hired junior league teams
to go out and work on their batting practice.
The clarion call of the economy this year was “Jobs, jobs, jobs”, and
then as if in answer to a deal made with the devil, the one most
prolific employer in these dire times, Jobs, dies.
US politics continued to become so polarized that it became bipolar and
had to start borrowing lithium from Catherine Zeta Jones.
The year was not all bad of course. We realized that you can become
somebody if you are a nobody. More so, we discovered you can become a
nobody and still be somebody.
If nothing else, the Kardasians went from nobody to nothing of substance
and it was sure something. Speaking of other somethings that amounted
to nothing good.
In January,
If man is like a blizzard since you never know when it's coming, how
many inches you're getting, or how long it will last, then the Ron
Jeremy of storms showed up in early 2011. It was so bad in Philly that
it cost 6 million dollars for cleanup, which Mayor Nutter decided to pay
for by closing all 54 libraries until murder rate in the inner city
gets at least as high as the illiteracy rate.
The unemployment rate reaches a staggering 9%, hiding the worse truth
that when adjusted for those who have quit looking and started drinking,
drunken staggering reaches a staggering 25%.
We finally learned the recipe for regime change. Here's the multiple choice:
a) Economic sanctions and denial of military and humanitarian aid
b) Pull a big lie about WMD out of your Colin as rationale for invasion
c) Have your unlicensed fruit stand confiscated and set yourself on fire.
The answer clearly c), within the month, the Tunisian president and his
fruit czar fled to Saudi Arabia, and over the next couple of months a
tumultuous cry of anguish sprang up from the masses in Egypt, Libya,
Algeria, Yemen, Jordan, Bahrain, Syria and on the set of the Oprah show
where she announced that it's her last season and there’s no more free
stuff.
Gaddafi, beloved by his people, immediately takes to the airwaves to
threaten them and starts mapping out all the really good holes in the
ground on his escape route. Within the week he pledges to check himself
into Arab-rehab, as Al Jazeera cancels their most profitable show 2 ½
Mullahs, later to replace the role of the fundamentalist chant writer
Momo with the much more stable Charlie Sheen. Muammar hits the road in
the US with his torpedo of truth tour where be performs a two hour
Q&A with his Amazonian Guardesses, every question to which he
replies “My peeple, deh loove me. Winneing.” The climax of the show is
dubbed “tigers blood” in which he releases ferocious man-eaters into the
audience. Plans change as he is easily talked out of this idea by naked
models from PETA, so instead he releases a wild Asian “Tiger Mom” into
the audience to berate and belittle them, calling them garbage and
threatening no birthday parties for 4 years unless they come up with
more respectful questions.
Elizabeth Edwards dies of cancer and leaves her fortune and the care of
their children to the family dog “Trouble”, leaving no mention at all of
her husband John Edwards or their cat “Pussyman”.
Movie critics pan Country Strong. Tobey Maguire reconsiders his role as
producer after receiving a movie review from Roger Ebert that was simply
two words, “Country Stench”, then signs on to the retrenched Spider Man
installment entitled “Spider Man 4 give or take a couple.”
On course in February
Amidst overwhelming Arabian springiness, Egypt’s president Hosni Mubarak
pledges to sprightly step down as soon as the next election, then
outlaws elections. Obama “demands Egypt present a path to democracy” and
in a hawkish move, threatens to hold his breath until they do. Mubarak
ultimately resigns and, in a newfound spirit of peace and freedom, hands
control over to the military who say they will step down after the next
moon landing, and proceed to resume beating protesters. Obama holds his
breath again however as a 30 foot put lips out, on his 16th golf game
year to date.
Over in Libya, Al Qaeda steal police uniforms and attack peaceful
protesters in order to seed false resentment of Gaddafi,.. according to
sources close to Gaddafi.
Casey's Anthony's attorney files a number of motions regarding aspects
they would like kept from the jury, including Casey’s mother’s call to
911 to report that her granddaughter is missing and the "trunk of her
damn car smells terrible" because she found the entire JonBenet Ramsey
family living in it.
March stinks too as
A no fly zone is imposed in Libya. Smelly camels nationwide rejoice.
The fifth most powerful earthquake ever hits off Japan. The beef isn't
so much the Shaking, but the surf breaking and the subsequent laking
from tsunami waves. Its no surprise the word “tsunami” comes from Japan
and translates to “harbor.. wave.. goodbye”. Since the reactor core
coolant is run from an ice truck plugged into a two-prong extension
cord, instead of powered directly from the power plant (duh!), the
reactors overheat and start to melt down. As the core melts down
straight through the earth they rename it from the “China syndrome”
which geographically makes no sense, to the “Galapagos syndrome” and
celebrate by illegally fishing already cooked tortoise soup. The
Japanese government assesses the danger zone from radiation and moves
rapidly to relocate to a safe distance the 50th anniversary of Pearl
Harbor mahjong set from the Takahashi house across the street.
Meanwhile, top Al Qaeda leaders officially sanction the Arab uprisings.
“We welcome freedom. We are finally going to be free to enforce strict
Sharia law. No more drinking and driving. No more drinking. No more
driving. OK lets be fair; no more driving for women only. Speaking of
which we can marry as many as we want and are finally free to hit them
when they overcook the mutton. We are free to cane the gamblers,
mutilate the thieves, stone to death the adulterers and execute the
homos. In short, we relieved to finally gain freedom from these
dictators and tyrants.”
US sends a cruise missile into Gaddafi’s bedroom, denying leader himself
was target, thus finally killing the Mad-dog-of-the-middle-east,
Lockerbie, his pet Scottie. Gaddafi quickly changes name to Khaddafi,
then later Qhaddafi to throw intelligence off his trail.
April fools us again as
Obama releases his birth certificate to shut up the Birthers. Donald
Trump responds by releasing his birth certificate on a windy day in
front of Trump Towers exhibiting that his hair hasn’t really changed
that much.
Wind blew away all other headlines as record number of tornadoes strike
in early April. Not to be outdone a new new record is set two weeks
later with a whopping 350 tornadoes in 21 states including the most
damaging of all time that blasts Tuskaloosa. The single building left
standing is the Pachyderm Museum where the only damage report indicates
that the tusk a loosa, a much loosa.
US government almost shuts down again for lack of money after Federal
Reserve funds become frozen in the accounts of a massive online gambling
bust. They decide to print more money but can’t afford the ink, so they
vote instead to have Ron Paul’s legs broken if he talks about auditing
the Federal Reserve again.
The most pivotal moment in the UK since George Michael wrote a hit
Christmas song about a trip to the bathroom happens as Prince Wills and
Katie wed in a grand ceremony to which Obama was not invited, but King
of Cambodia Norodom Sihamoni was but said he couldn’t make it because it
was his weekend to do the dishes. Kate Middleton was disappointed to
find upon arriving home that her official wedding video, a montage from
63 different cameramen, were all close-ups of Pippa’s bottom.
End of an era for Proctor & Gamble who sells its last food brand
Pringles for 2.35 Billion to the Shanghai Tennis Ball Factory.
Trend setting Southwest Airlines adds new ejector seat moon roof feature
to its economy class cabin. It is generally not well received.
May was way too long and hard as
A promiscuous political hot dog tweets a picture of a “package of
Weiner’s”, while having a bun in the oven at home. His bun
coincidentally on an overseas mission in Rome with her own personal
private adultery consultant, Hillary Hotrod Clinton, who offered her the
politically wizened words “Relish the wiener in public. Roast the dick
at home.”
The China opens more trade relations with the USA. They trade Osama bin Laden for a stealth helicopter.
French president Sarkozy quietly celebrates when his political
opposition DSK gets arrested for sexually assaulting a maid in New York
hotel room. The maid’s credibility is later brought into question as she
lies about entering a hotel room next door immediately before and after
the incident registered to one Charlie Sheen. Conspiracy theorists also
point to the fact that at the time of the incident the hotels chief of
security was watching football with host Sarkozy while simultaneously
dining on a sushi lunch arranged on a naked Carla Bruni.
To complete the trifecta, Arnold “Der Schwartz” barely skates past his
silver anniversary before the LA Times broke the story that his wife
Maria Shriver would be cast against him as the next Terminator in "T-5 -
Rise of the Legal Fees". The body builder’s great strength was no match
for the mystical lure of the lumpy charwoman. After hiding the love
child for years, Maria became suspicious when the staff indicated how
much Arnold and the child looked like twins, and filed for divorce upon
discovering her worst fears, that it was actually Danny Devito.
The largest wildfire in Arizona history proves once again it takes a
whole box of matches to start a campfire, but only one idiot with a
match to spin out another season of The Bachelor. Meanwhile a massive
Mississippi flood breaks 1927 record levels. Arizona, desperate, trades a
second round draft pick for the Mississippi river and concussion prone
Kevin Kolb.
The world ended May 21st. Luckily an exact duplicate named "the Rapture"
started up right away, the only difference in this reality being that
some shmuck named Harold Camping was predictably "flabbergasted".
May 25th celebrates World Planking Day, the fad consisting of lying face
down stiff with hands at side in an unusual or incongruous location.
Thankfully, as many fall to their death, wiser heads replace that trend
with Owling, where all the remaining wiser fools fall to their death.
June gets defensive as
Former presidential hopeful John Edwards is indicted on felony charges
that he used one million in campaign donations for his secret lover
Rielle Hunter and their alleged love child that turns out to be Danny
Devito.
Jobless rate rises to 9.1%, even taking into consideration all the
unemployed killed by more tornadoes this month. Missouri river floods
Iowa and is renamed Lake Michigan. In Arizona, two wild fires meet on
match.com and go on a 600 miles long bender. Thousands sick with e-coli
across Europe, good news for those who need another excuse not to eat
German sprouts.
Hoping things run smoother in July
There is a terrible train wreck that kills one; the Winehouse train
fueled on booze and cocaine. Her family brilliantly concludes that her
death is from an overdose of sobriety. The autopsy reveals her blood
alcohol content however to be the same as the formaldehyde soaked brain,
Abe Normal, from Young Frankenstein.
It’s the second hottest summer ever recorded in the USA, except in
Arizona where it’s the second hottest summer ever recorded on Mercury.
Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World closes shop after allegations that they were texting while driving.
Casey Anthony was found not guilty of chloroforming and duct taping her
kid’s mouth shut and leaving her to die in her car trunk then dumping
her body in a trash bag in the woods so she could go out partying.
Successfully using the “I’m such a liar you can't use anything I've ever
said as evidence” defense, she was found guilty of being a "Liar,
liar". This was followed by a lenient but well attended sentence of her
removing her pants and setting them on fire. In related news, the
Department of Fish and Game has extended the hunting season on Casey
through the winter.
European bankers meet to discuss Greek debt problem. Apparently compound
interest on a unpaid gambling debt between Plato and Socrates on the
true nature of justice, Socrates betting that that injustice is more
than doing wrong, it is also failure to do right, versus Plato’s
position that one can do nothing but lie and go out partying and still
get away with murder, has now become larger than the total GDP of the
European union and all the precious metals from the holdings of the
German industrialist Auric Goldfinger.
The movie Cowboys and Aliens is released dramatizing a rousing fight
about rights of troopers to pull someone over and arrest them if they
reasonably suspect they are three headed green slimy creature with no
registration card. The movie comes to a fast and furious conclusion as
all the trooper's weapons are confiscated and donated to Mexican drug
cartels.
August douses our spirits as
This month brings the arrival of that interminable weather again, this
time in the form of hurricane Irene. Its not so much the wind as the
rain that causes the problem, forcing insurer AIG to reassess that
everything east of Denver is now considered in the flood plain and from
an insurance perspective, exhibits no trace of hurricane wind damage.
All homes now join their respective mortgages as being underwater.
The American Board of General Dentistry lowers the US credit rating from
AAA, to “open wide and say AA”. Upon peering inside, the decay is
considered advanced.
As the GOP race heats up it is discovered that Michelle Bachmann is the
first person on record to have caught her mental retardation from a
vaccine. She confuses John Wayne Gacy with John Wayne, and shows up at
an Iowa western themed political rally in a bloody clown suit. The
experimental vaccine potency too low, she eventually falls ill with the
incurable Gay Disease.
September came like a foul wind as
Occupy Wall Street (OWS), a bowel movement that begins in Zuccotti Park
NYC, some compare to the next Arab Spring, but given the sanitary
conditions in the camp smell more like the Urine Spring, gives birth to a
new political force - the Pee Party. Dubbing themselves the 99% since
only 1% could agree why they were there, it became quite a social scene
spawning the OWS pickup lines, “You are so beautiful, you make me forget
that I don’t remember what I’m doing here”. Others memorable include
“Should we picket your daddy’s office or mine”, “Let me give according
to my ability, to you according to your needs” and “The red in your eyes
from that pepper spray matches your raging infection”.
The government, facing a looming shutdown, sends Ron Paul a dead fish.
Unemployment stays at a stubborn 9.1%, the White House issuing a
statement that it saved or created or destroyed over 1 million jobs and
expects this success or failure to last well into 2012 or until the end
of the Mayan calendar when 5 billion jobs will be lost.
Saudi Arabia, in a huge victory for women, gives them the right to vote
however reaffirms that it is illegal for them to drive, then moves all
voting booths to the center of the sprawling Rub' Al Khali desert.
Obama sporting the job approval rating of Ivan the Terrible, yet
personal approval rating more like Kermit the Frog, declares a federal
emergency and pronounces his American Jobs Act which would create jobs
by buying ink and printing 447 Billion dollars. FEMA responds by running
out of money and canceling all future federal emergencies.
October is bloody awful as
We finally learn the real rational behind Prince Charles’ yearning to be
Camilla’s feminine hygiene product, when he announces to the world that
he is the offspring of Dracula, aka Vlad the Impaler. Vlad the Impaler
Tampon Corp. sues for copyright infringement.
Two women come forward. Herman Cain takes two steps back and denies taking two steps back.
Steve Jobs passes away, but at the last moment downloads his
consciousness into Apple’s new AI program Siri. People keep asking Siri
“Where do I bury the body?” His survivors have no choice but to bury
Steve Jobs in a swamp.
The trees foolishly thinking they still need their leaves for
photosynthesis, are overloaded by 30 inches of wet snow but as huge
electricity outages leave us all with no heat they selflessly donate
themselves to our backyard wood piles. At that same moment, a hundred
Jet Blue passengers are taken hostage by a roving gang of clogged
toilets.
Looking like the world would end again, the human race breaths a
collective sigh of relief when it turns out simply to be the end of
Harold Camping’s radio ministry. The world in the last quarter is saved
from some evil Dolphins by the 'return of the Savior' in one Tim Tebow
who evades the blitz and runs the big blue ball in himself for the
victory.
Qaddafi is caught and killed. Video of his dead body shot in the head
and dragged through the street is analyzed for hours by teams of CIA
specialists who hypothesize that he is dead, shot in the head and being
dragged through the streets.
November lobs some bombs at us as
Philadelphia Eagles once named the “dream team” in August turns by now
to have been a bad dream induced by too much light beer and cheese
steaks wit wiz. Andy Reid puts Michael Vick back in the dog fighting
business. Vick is defeated in the first round by an irritable Pekingese
named Scrunchy.
Angry Birds hits its 500 millionth download in no small part due to the
Mossad plot to distribute them in the West Bank in hopes the
Palestinians find more joy in shooting at pickle green pigs than at
kosher pigs.
Ginger White claims a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. Cain denies the
affair but does admit to paying her a salary for years of "quantitative
research on keeping her damn mouth shut".
The Occu Poo Party in Zucotto Park while protesting TARP, have all their tarps removed.
The Greek PM Papandreou calls for referendum on whether they should pay
off their gambling debts to Europe. He steps down instead when former
Penn State trainer of tight ends, Jerry Sandusky, agrees to bail them
out and become an honorary Greek.
December high kicks us as
The Radio city Rockettes all come forward in dressed as candy Cains in
perfect synchronization with allegations about presidential hopeful
Herman in economically poignant dance review entitled “You want a job,
white Christmas?”. Cain suspends his campaign. Denies affair with Silvio
Berlusconi, but does admit lending him 20 million euros for pizza money
and not even getting back the change. Italian PM steps down amidst
scandal. Cain does admit he was 873 women away from completing his 999
plan.
GOP moderates, desperate to save Romney's campaign, unearth
using facial recognition software evidence that Newt Gingrich appeared
and gained notoriety on Britain's Got Talent in 2009 dressed as a
Scottish woman named Susan Boyle. Gingrich's campaign concedes
that he is in fact Susan Boyle, but brilliantly spins the national
dialogue back onto Romney's religion by showing evidence that although
Newt may have had three different wives, that he, Susan, is actually one
of Romney's three current wives, positioning Gingrich to squeak out the
win in the Iowa caucuses by tying up the so far undecided trans gender
demographic.
One can argue that next year can't possibly be as bad since the Mayans
are only giving us to Dec 21st, 2012 until the end of the world, not
that we could get into any more trouble in that short a time from minor
issues like...
The Iranian children have decided they are bored with last years
Christmas toy Family Feud, have set up some new board games Battleship,
Risk and Aggravation in the Straight of Hormuz. The covetous American
children add to their Christmas list; Operation, Trouble, Ker-plunk and
Sorry.
Kim Jong Il dies, but manages to pass his collection of silly hats and
elevator shoes to his unfit son Un. Un is thought to be Un lovable, Un
friendly and Un stable. He apparently suffers from hypertension and like
to Unwind by fishing in the Yellow sea with ballistic missiles.
Oh stop blubbering, pop some bubbly, play the Buble and have a Lubly New Year.
Scott Rowell
liveoneliner@runbox.com
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